So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
