The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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