We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
