I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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