He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
