dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
