Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
