your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize