Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
