Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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