Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
fuck your aforementioned shoe
pop tarts are not kleenex
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
