Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
