just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
