You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
