i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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