she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
