Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
