HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
