Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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