dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
