There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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