there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
