I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
