where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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