It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
