we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
