I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
