I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
