My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
