You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
