are you still at the devil's house?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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