a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
