i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
