the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
