Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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