rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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