thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
