I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize