If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
