Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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