i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
