I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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