Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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