well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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