I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
