what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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