What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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