STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
