He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
