My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize