masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
