She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've blown a few things in my day
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
