Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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