i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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