peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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