matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
