My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
