my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
