I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
