Tell her she can't have a vagina
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
