just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
