All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
