im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
